New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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