My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
