Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
