So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
two words: eviction party
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
