Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
