i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
