I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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