Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
