i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
