I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
