fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
