When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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