Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I think my moral compass just broke
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