census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
