you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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