It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
