I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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