Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
