Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
