I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
