I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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