just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
