shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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