Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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