I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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