This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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