when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
