My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
