Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
