Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
