Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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