Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
