This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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