I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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