textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
