So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
