The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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