I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
