Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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