So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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