I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
