I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
