you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
