wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
