you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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