if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
