Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
