There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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