mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
