so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
