final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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