It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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