He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
