I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
