dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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