cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
