Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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