so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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