i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
