I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
