Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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