You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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